Have you seen that meme that says something like, “Moms complain they need a break from their kids and then don’t want to leave their kids. It’s me, I’m moms.” Hands up if you could have written this yourself. I probably have this thought once a week and even though I know I deserve a break and should take one for my own health, I struggle with it. Mom burnout is real and it’s definitely taking a toll on us.

Before diving into the rest of this post, I need to address two very important topics relating to needing a break.

First, I understand that I am in a seat of privilege when it comes to having a partner in my husband who sees when I’m nearing my limit. I know not all moms have this kind of support within their own walls. If you’re one of those moms, I hope that some of the tips that I share below give you an idea of what you can do in just a few minutes of your day – and I know, if you’re a single mom even one minute can be a lot – but I hope it can help.

Second, if you find yourself needing a break, I need you to know something, you are not a bad mom. You are a human who has physical and mental limits. You were never meant to be everything for everyone every hour of the day. You are no less of a mother if you need a few moments, an afternoon or even a night to fill your cup. Always remember, you can’t pour from an empty cup and you and your children deserve the best version of yourself.

Signs of Burnout

So, how do you know if you need a break? According to the Cleveland Clinic, some of the most common symptoms of caregiver burnout (and yes moms, you’re caregivers) are:

• Loss of interest in activities previously enjoyed.
• Feeling blue, irritable, hopeless and helpless.
• Changes in appetite, weight or both.
• Changes in sleep patterns.
• Feelings of wanting to hurt yourself or the person for whom you are caring.
• Irritability.

Does any of that look familiar? I know I have reached my limit (or I’m near it) when the mom rage comes out. I find myself growing impatient with my daughters and my husband and that turns the entire house upside down. Another one that is a sign for me is when I stress eat. When I’m being productive and practicing healthy habits, I’m able to focus on fueling my body the right way, when I’m at the end of my rope, I tend to mindlessly eat because it’s easier to go through a drive-thru or grab a piece of candy for a sugar rush in the middle of the day.

When Burnout Hits

Did you know there are 12 stages of burnout? This model was developed by psychologist Herbert Freudenberger and his colleagues.

1. Excessive drive/ambition. Think of it as trying to be the perfect Pinterest Mom by being Super Mom – or at least wanting to be super mom.
2. Pushing yourself to work harder. Ambition pushes you to work harder.
3. Neglecting your own needs. You begin to sacrifice self-care like sleep, exercise, and eating well.
4. Shifting Blame. Instead of acknowledging that you’re pushing yourself to the max, you blame circumstances or everyone else around you and not the fact that you just can’t do it all.
5. No time for social needs. You begin to withdraw from family and friends. Social invitations to parties, movies, and dinner dates start to feel burdensome, instead of enjoyable.
6. Denial. Impatience with those around you mounts. Instead of taking responsibility for your behaviors, you blame others, seeing them as incompetent, lazy, and overbearing.
7. Withdrawal. You begin to withdraw from family and friends. You skip moms night out or meeting up with that friend for a coffee date.
8. Behavioral changes. Do you find yourself snapping at your kids or spouse more?
9. Depersonalization. Feeling detached from your life and your ability to control your life.
10. Inner emptiness or anxiety. Feeling empty or anxious. You may turn to thrill seeking behaviors to cope with this emotion, such as substance use, gambling, or overeating.
11. Depression. Life loses its meaning and you begin to feel hopeless.
12. Mental or physical collapse.  Mental health or medical attention may be necessary. If you find yourself at this point, please stop listening right now and call a trusted friend or medical professional for help.

Overcoming Burnout

While stress may be unavoidable, burnout can be preventable. Here are three steps you can take that may help you fight off burnout. As always, check with your medical provider or a license mental health professional to find what works best for you.

• Exercise When I find myself feeling overwhelmed, I turn to moving my body with intention. Whether that’s a quick walk around the block or practicing some stretching or calming yoga movies, when I move my body I can automatically feel my body let go of the stress I’ve been carrying. You don’t necessarily need to have a full 30-minute work out or something super intense. Mini workouts and short walks are convenient ways to make exercise a daily habit.

• Practice good sleep habits. Okay, you can stop laughing now. I get it, as moms we sometimes stay up late to have a little peace and quiet or watch that one Netflix show we can’t watch with the kids around. Seriously, I get it. As much as we have our our plates, we need to be sure that our bodies get plenty of time to rest and reset, which is why healthy sleep habits are essential for our well-being and our families. According to the National Sleep Foundation, avoiding caffeine before bedtime, establishing a relaxing bedtime ritual, and banning smartphones from the bedroom can help promote sound sleep hygiene.

• Reach out for help. If asking for help feels difficult, consider developing a self-care “check-in” with close friends and family members so that you can take care of each other during trying times.

Not feeling burned out, but worried about friends and family members who may be burnt out? Listening to their concerns, validating their emotions, and offering specific types of support can help lighten the load.

As moms, we often care for everyone else under our roof before we even have time to realize that we are in need of a serious break. If you find yourself on the brink of mom burnout or just in need of a quick break, take it. Whether you’re working long hours or taking care of young children, remember to sprinkle some joy into each day and practice fulfilling moments of rest. You do deserve it.

Have you ever caught yourself in any kind of mom competitions? Maybe even a mom competition that the other mom didn’t even know she was in? Don’t lie, you know you’ve done it because I’ve done it, too. It’s an all too common habit, but one that can really steal from mental well-being.

I remember a time when I felt like I was in a silent competition with this woman who went to my same gym when I was in my early 20s. Every day, she seemed to be mirroring my workout routine (I killed it on the elliptical), and it really started to bother me. However, when she eventually approached me one afternoon she surprised me what what she said. “You pushed me to be better, it wasn’t a competition, I just wanted to be challenged.” Here I was thinking that she was trying to compete with me. . . my bad.

Imagine a world where we no longer compete with one another when it comes to life or parts of our lives like motherhood or careers. Imagine a world where we chose to challenge one another to become the best versions of ourselves without worrying about how our progress compares to that of others. What would it look like if you didn’t compete with anyone else anymore? Would you be happier? Would you carry less tension in your jaw when meeting up at the park for play dates? Would you breathe easier when heading to your child’s baseball game or gymnastics practice? Would you focus more on Jesus during a church worship service? Would you let go of unhealth relationships and focus more of life-giving friendships?

Distinguishing Healthy vs. Unhealthy Competition

Healthy competition, such as friendly fitness challenges or workplace contests, can be motivating. But when comparison consumes us, it becomes toxic. Motherhood shouldn’t be a race to reach milestones or outshine others; it’s a journey unique to each of us.

Tips for Breaking Free from Unhealthy Mom Competitions

1. Set Your Own Goals: Define success on your terms, without letting others dictate your aspirations.
   
   For example, after three healthy pregnancies, my body has changed and what I was once able to do I can no longer do. That’s just my truth. I also have friends who are more limber and athletic now than ever before – it’s like pregnancy did the exact opposite for them as it did for me. While I am over here doing my best to hit my 30 minutes of exercise a day (and sometimes failing at that), they are challenging their bodies to run half marathons and hitting yoga poses that I am still dreaming about. We are all working towards loving and moving our bodies better, but it looks different for each of us and that is fine.
   
2. Reframe Conversations: Shift from competitive responses to genuine admiration and support for others’ achievements.
   
   You can go from competitive responses like, “Oh wow you received another promotion at work,” to “I admire how you are so dedicated to your career”. This still offers your friend support and encouragement while reminding your brain and heart that it isn’t a competition.
   
3. Celebrate Others: Practice celebrating friends’ successes without feeling the need to one-up them.

In motherhood, as in life, we have the power to choose how we engage with competition. We can opt for healthy encouragement or opt out altogether. It may require difficult conversations or social media detoxes, but reclaiming our peace is worth it.

Did you friend hit a new personal record for that 5K she worked on for months? Celebrate her. Did your friend’s child get chosen for the lead in the play? Celebrate them. When the time comes to share your own news, your friend will remember that you were there for them and they’ll want to celebrate you with the same respect. If not, well, then maybe you need to re-evaluate that friendship.

Choosing To Stop Competing

When it comes to mom competitions, you have all the power you need to decide whether you want to compete in a healthy or unhealthy way. You can choose your words and thoughts just as easily as you can choose who you’re comparing and competing with on a daily basis. It may not be easy separating yourself from the competition, but it is possible even if that means a difficult conversation with a friend or unfollowing someone on social media.

As moms, our time is limited just like our mental and emotional capacities. Life is challenging enough without the extra layers of keeping up with neighbors or popular mom influencers on social media. We always tell our kids that life isn’t about winning, but until we can live that truth ourselves, it’s just noise and robbing us of a motherhood that we truly deserve.

I’ve always tried to stay active. I’m far from being a fitness fiend, but I know the importance of moving my body. Even more important than that was that I have two daughters looking to me – including how I treat my body and mind.

One day, I found that my black leggings were giving me way too much of a muffin top and no longer the greatest gift to women. I then stood on the scale and was devastated by what the scale told me. I weighed nearly as much as I did just hours before giving birth to my second born. That was the day I decided to take my fitness and health more seriously.

A New Way to Move

The next day I responded to a direct message from the newest rowing studio near my house. Months prior, I signed up to receive details on memberships, but I always failed to follow up with them. I blamed the pandemic, but that was only part of my “no” to them. After dropping my girls off at preschool and mom’s day out, I headed to the studio. I was apprehensive when I walked into the studio. It had been years since I visited a studio or a gym, but here I was walking up to the front desk.

During that class, I found myself comparing my technique (and body shape) to that of others. I tried my best to stay on swing with the petite and fierce coach. I kept taking swigs of my water and felt the sweat dripping down my back. After a few songs, I finally felt at ease. I let my body move to the beat and I forgot about everyone around me. That day, I found the perfect workout for my personality, body and mind. I started waking up almost every day at 4:40 to head to the studio and I stopped stepping on the scale.

Same Number, Different Mindset

For months, I would wait for the scale to creep down, but it rarely happened. I found myself discouraged that I felt stronger and looked more fit, but that the number wasn’t changing. My obsession with the scale was intensifying and I ignored the positives that were staring right at me. When I looked in the mirror, I noticed that my face was thinning out. When I lifted up both of my daughters for a kitchen dance party, I was no longer out of breath. Yet, I let that number on the scale determine my mood for the day.

I have always been consistent with my measurements, so I compared numbers and I was surprised. Within three months of consistent rowing, I lost over six inches and my clothes were fitting! My muscle tone came back to my legs and arms and I was ready for shorts season. I still had my flabby tummy (some of it from having two babies and some of it from too many cookies), but I’ll take it.

Lessons and Realizations

It’s been years since I stopped stepping on a scale regularly. I now find myself wanting to workout (even just a walk or stretch) and I even workout in front of my girls. My oldest walks into my office with my resistance band around her thighs and will exclaim, “Look, mommy, I’m like you!” My youngest joins me for yoga and her downward dog is leaps better than mine. In those moments, I am proud that I am teaching them to move their fierce little bodies with intention.

While there are dozens of conversations that I want to have with my daughter about their body images, I know that I am leading by example. I may not be the fittest mom or the strongest woman, but I’m loving my body the best I can.

That scale? It now sits in the corner of my bathroom collecting dust. I pull it out every now and then, but for the most part I spend more time admiring my body in the mirror. I know there are studies that state you’ll lose more if you weigh yourself daily and that’s great, but it’s not for me. I’ll lose more of my self-worth if I weigh myself daily and right now I’m loving who I am and what I can do with this body.