Ana reflects on how PCOS and pregnancy loss have affected her motherhood journey and how she’s closing each chapter of her story.
At a young age, I remember my mom taking me to a gynecologist’s office because I was experiencing strong menstrual cramping. Despite the remedies my abuela would try to give me with teas, my mom knew that I was leaning toward a womanhood full of pain like she had. On that occasion, the doctor mentioned that I was showing small cysts in my ovaries and that maybe birth control could help with those. The confusion was too much, but we had to trust the doctors. Later, at age 17, I had an official diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS); at that time, the words “Will be impossible to be pregnant” were painfully embedded in my mind.
For years, PCOS has been the underdog of diseases; no one seems to know about it, believe it, or even get close to understanding the many symptoms and issues that come with it. Now 20 years later, I find myself with 5 blessed pregnancies, 3 beautiful living children, and 2 little angels watching over us. Life is filled with chapters, and in my book, my chapter on motherhood has been filled with mixed emotions, many journeys, and prayers. The road wasn’t easy, and the effects of my PCOS clearly made an impact on my life, but after gains and losses, I am now ready to be led to a new chapter.
The Next Chapter
This is the chapter on accepting and embracing. As I prepare to undergo a hysterectomy, a profound sense of closure has taken over me. I have always felt like God blessed me with the beauty of experiencing motherhood and now it’s allowing me to get to the closing of a chapter I never thought I would have to turn. But with this, I also reflect on the beautiful, painful, and many transformative moments that shaped my experience of motherhood, womanhood, and pregnancy.
My Pregnancy Loss Chapter and My Angels
I always carry their memory with me, as a testament to the kindness of God to allow me to be a mother and the hope they brought into my life, even in such a brief time, because no matter what, in my heart, I know I am not complete and I am missing 2 children who were meant to be with me. I still painfully remember the day I got to hold my little girl in my arms so tiny and fragile at only 24 weeks, knowing that I would never get to feel her kiss me or hear her call me mama. This loss took my world down and getting back up was beyond me, I have to praise and thank my son and God, as they were the forces behind my will to know I had to get strong.
However, with time, your hope begins to build and that seed of desire to have another baby with you grows again. You would think a second loss at an earlier stage would be easier, but the same feeling of helplessness and darkness just felt overwhelming. Their absence still lingers, etched in my heart forever. After 7 years of praying, crying, trying, and not losing hope, I was able to get my rainbow babies and feel happiness again. The loss was heartbreaking, but it also taught me to cherish every moment with the 3 beautiful children I’ve been able to raise.
My Favorite Chapter: Motherhood
Motherhood is the chapter that extends far beyond birth. It is an ongoing act of doubt, wonder, love, and sacrifice. I have been fortunate enough to say that I am living the joy and challenges of motherhood. Watching my children grow and seeing their personalities appear has been the most rewarding experience of my life. I am not putting an end to the chapter of motherhood; rather, I am preparing myself to build more strength to provide my children the best of me. Now I am prepared to close this chapter of pregnancy and womanhood. While I do realize that I will no longer carry the possibility of a new life, I will always carry the experiences that have shaped me to be the mom I am now. This next step, though difficult, is ultimately an act of honoring my children, my health, and my future.
Embracing Each Chapter
Thank you to my body, thank you to my uterus, thank you to my angels, and thank you to life. I am thankful for every moment, every experience, every pain, and every gain. PCOS won’t go away, and the hurt of losing 2 children will never be banished, but the hope of a more manageable life with less physical pain is near and that is something I have to embrace. I will always carry and honor my babies with me, and I will always show my scars with pride. Every lesson I’ve learned through this journey has shown me to be humble, empathetic, thankful, and helpful.
For now, I am embracing the strength to share these very heartfelt words because it is not easy to admit that I have suffered more than one pregnancy loss, that I am constantly in pain and a battle with myself, but even more, it is not easy to say that I am thankful and happy to move forward to get part of me out so I can be a more present mom, a happy mom. I am embracing this new chapter, the chapter of accepting and embracing, with all its complexities, knowing that the essence of my journey—pregnancy, pregnancy loss, and motherhood will always remain an integral part of who I am.
