There is so much need in the world, it is difficult to narrow down the opportunities for us to pick one cause or another. In this blog, Jessica invites us to reflect on empathy making sure in this season of giving we also take care of ourselves and keep our values in mind.
A teenager with a chance
I must have been 16 years old. We had just finished watching Hotel Rwanda as a family in Florida. I walked to my room, closed the door behind me and plummeted into the ground sitting next to my bed. I begin to sob uncontrollably. I had so much pain, for the families, for the kids, for humanity, from the comfort of our home I was in pain. I felt defeated and couldn’t understand how not so long ago those atrocities could have been real in Rwanda. A genocide in 1994 that took the lives of many for political gain. Questions like, how can someone do that, how can there be so much greed and injustice in a world that’s supposed to be advanced, kept on clouding my mind.
My stepmom at that time came into the room with no clue what she was walking in. Not sure what went through her mind when she found this teenager sitting on the floor. Once I shared how I was feeling she thoughtfully asked a question that I’ve repeated in my mind for years, from disappointment at my answer. “Would you like us to do something about it, donate?” Her caring and concerned voice asked. My answer, no. I think about that moment every few years, but I quickly get it off my mind out of shame and regret. Right there, the opportunity to do something about a tragedy in the history of our humanity and I easily turned it down. I’ve silently asked myself why, how could I have been so selfish and lacked the compassion to support generations who went through a terrible genocide.
Types of empathy
I finally got my answer listening to one of my favorite podcasts, Dare to Lead with Brené Brown and her series on her latest book, Strong Ground. She’s a renowned researcher whom I’ve learned so much about myself, leadership, and parenting. She was accompanied by another favorite of mine, Adam Grant, they discussed affective empathy vs cognitive empathy. I’m not going to lie, it took me a bit to discern the difference of what they were discussing, but I’ll share the short version with you. Affective empathy inundates us with the emotions someone else is experiencing, like being moved to tears and really embodying someone else’s feelings. While cognitive empathy gives us the perspective of emotions from the other person without becoming overwhelmed with all their own emotions.
After watching the 2004 film, I experienced affective empathy, putting myself in their shoes and a level of devastation that made it seem like anything we could do was pointless. The damage was done, the lives were lost and there was no hope, especially nothing that a 16 year old could have enough impact on. I was defeated and consumed by my emotions. Not a good place to be and not one that I’ve been proud of, but now I at least understand what I was going through.
Later in the episode, Brené introduced a term that I thought was one of those made-up words I used to throw out when I lived in Mexico pretending to speak English, enmeshment. “¿Qué, qué?” I thought to myself. Enmeshment is defined as the “extreme form of emotional closeness where personal boundaries become blurred or non-existent” by SimplyPsychology. The point where someone loses themselves into the identity of someone else. She also spoke of secondary trauma, like, that’s a thing?
Within a second, all the images on social posts of the current dangers to our immigrant community brought by law enforcement came to mind, and I also understood the reason why I quickly scroll pass through anything that’s way too visual and guard myself from thinking about it for too long, so that I avoid overidentifying with their situation. So that I can keep going, so that I keep it at a cognitive empathy level, and I can then inform myself and proceed as best I can through donations, participating in local events, or bringing awareness to the rest of the community.
Keeping a balance and remembering history
From my work in grassroots organizing I’ve known too many people fall victim to enmeshment, the toll that comes from working with population who’s the target of our broken systems can be too heavy to handle on your own. You can lose yourself to the pain, the suffering. It’s not unheard of dedicated organizers who stop prioritizing themselves and experience tremendous burn out. But there are those who know how to maintain a balance, remembering you can’t pour from an empty cup, just like we can’t go about our lives carrying someone else’s suffering. Empathizing with someone’s situation must have its limits so that you can actually act on your compassion and support the person in need.
I was not looking for an opportunity to redeem my teenage self from my inaction back then, at least not in the way of other genocides to correct my behavior, but here we are. And you bet that this time around I’m staying informed, I avoid the true but terrifying visuals and read through reliable sources that can give the details of families and kids that need our help. I’m not allowing my history to repeat itself and I donate and support those families how I best can, also creating the proper level of awareness for our little ones, so that they also know better.
“This is why I say that the individual’s most potent weapon is a stubborn belief in the triumph of common decency.” ― Paul Rusesabagina, An Ordinary Man: An Autobiography
