I turned 41 two weeks ago. On my birthday, I struggled to put my two-year-old in his car seat because my hand hurt. At what age do arthritis symptoms start? I also have a bad knee, and it’s hard for me to sit on the floor to play with my kids. I used to run as my main form of exercise, and now I can’t run after my kids.
I didn’t plan on being an “old mom.” I always hoped to have my first baby before turning 30, but I didn’t even meet my husband until I was almost 31. Life threw us some curveballs, and I didn’t become pregnant with my oldest until I was 36. I roll my eyes every time I hear the term “geriatric pregnancy.” I hate that term. Like, I get it, I’m old. Thanks (again!) for the reminder.
I belong to a group on social media for “old moms” like me, and we share a lot of the same feelings about our “advanced maternal age.” I feel guilty for being in my 40s and not having the energy for my kids that I may have had a decade ago. I feel guilty because I’m going to be close to retirement age as they graduate high school. What milestones will I miss? Will I get to meet or enjoy any grandkids? I haven’t had this issue yet, but I’ll probably be mistaken for my kids’ abuelita someday. I have childhood friends who are celebrating high school graduations for their kids, and friends who are already grandparents, but I’m just getting started.
On a more personal level, I feel extra guilt over waiting so long to have babies because I will always wonder if it impacted my pregnancy. My first pregnancy was in 2020-2021, at the height of the Covid-19 pandemic. There were problems with the placenta in the third trimester, and my doctors could not determine the exact cause. It may have been a long-term effect of Covid-19 (which I had before the pregnancy), it may have just happened, or…it may have been because of my advanced maternal age. I had to be induced early after being diagnosed with fetal growth restriction, and my daughter had feeding problems for two years. I will always wonder if my age had anything to do with this.
When the moms in my social media group lament being in their 40s/50s with young children, you typically see the same responses- “nothing is guaranteed, and you may live until you’re 45 or until you’re 90,” “at least now you’re more financially stable,” “there’s nothing wrong with waiting to have the right partner first,” “there’s nothing wrong with choosing to wait,” “you can’t control when you’ll get pregnant.” All of these points are true. I know young moms who didn’t get the chance to watch their children grow. I’m glad I waited to find the right partner, and I definitely would have struggled to finish grad school if I’d had a baby in my 20s. I will say that while I usually regret being an “old mom,” I don’t regret the life I lived before having my babies. I earned a Ph.D., traveled, lived across the U.S. and Mexico, pursued my dream career, went out, had fun, and learned lessons. I basically did everything I wanted to do before building my family, and I was fully ready to enter the mamá season of life when it happened.
What has helped me the most as I navigate being an “old mom” is connecting with my friends who are also dealing with toddler tantrums, sleepless nights, diapers, getting ready for preschool, exhaustion, the body changes of your 40s while still recovering from childbirth, etc. It helps me to know that I’m not alone, and to remember that regardless of my age, every day I have with my children is a gift.
The Experience of Being an “Old Mom”
